As most of you know, earlier today Dak Prescott turned down an offer from the Cowboys that would have made him the highest paid player in NFL history. Jerry would have shelled out $175 million over five years to the, how do I put this nicely, more or less average Dak Prescott. Now I know what the majority of you are thinking: How the fuck could Dak be so stupid? Who the fuck does he think he is? Trust me, the same thoughts popped into my head at first too. But after a while, something dawned on me. This is actually a genius move by Dak.
Why is this a genius move? Well, as we all know, Dak Prescott is a notorious pants pooper. It’s a well known fact. I don’t know if it’s an anxiety thing, or it’s something that he eats. Hell it could be that he’s upholding a longstanding Starkville, MS tradition of making yourself smell like shit to attract all the pigs in the bars. Either way you look at it, Dak poops during games. And let the record show that I’m not judging Dak. When you gotta go you gotta go.
And of course when I try to find a video the screen says “this video contains content from the NFL, who has blocked it on copyright grounds”. Fuck you Roger. But if you want to look into it some more here is the reddit thread that started that investigation.
Why is this important you ask? Because it’s also a well known fact that once you shit yourself once in public you start to lose the sense of embarrassment that comes with it. It’s kind of like your first JO in a public bathroom. At first you’re like “holy shit I can’t believe I did that” and then sooner or later you’re partaking in a nasty habit on the reg. Similarly, your first public pants shit is embarrassing but you can always come back as long as no one really notices at the time. By that I mean as long as you’re not gun girl literally shitting out her dress. When there’s no concrete evidence to prove that you shit yourself you can always come back from it. And the next time it happens you’re more than likely going to be less worried/a lot more prepared for it so it won’t be as big of a deal.
Ancient Chinese proverb: “Once you go black you never go back. Once you’re a cheater you’re always a cheater (shoutout Carrie Underwood). And once you shit yourself in public you’re bound to do it again”.
So mathematically speaking the odds that the Egg Bowl was Dak’s first/last incident are very low.
Now let me get to the spinzone. Dak Prescott is actually a genius because he knows that, as a regular pants pooper, he can’t be trotting out there every Sunday risking his good name and clout. Look even if he doesn’t feel embarrassed about it anymore, he knows that he’s putting himself on the hot seat. He basically straight up told Jerry Jones, “Let’s admit that both of us are regular pant poopers. That’s the one common thread between us. The difference is that you can hide up in your owner’s box and cover the fact that you got so wasted you crapped your pants in the middle of a game. But I, however, have nowhere to hide my mid-game dumps. And with the amount of camera’s in today’s NFL I just don’t know if I can get away with it like I did during the Egg Bowl. So you can take your $175 million and shove it up your ass because that’s not going to be enough to cover what’s coming out of mine”. Dak must have read the Art of the Deal. Truly incredible business tactics.
So far all of you out there who are mad at Dak or questioning his decisions, I counter you with this: How much would it take for you to go out every Sunday and shit yourself on national TV? For me probably about the same amount that Dak is asking for. They used to say never judge a man til you walk a mile in his shoes. Now they say never judge a quarterback looking for a new contract til you poop your pants in front of millions of people.
While it may be fun to believe that Dak is a notorious pants pooper, the fact of the matter is that he more likely than not doesn’t care about the soiling of his britches. Like I mentioned before, it’s considered tradition for people in Starkville to look and smell as much like pigs as possible. Think what you want about that, but Joe Rogan would say there’s nothing wrong with it. “It’s just their tradition, man. Who are we to say it’s wrong?”
Nevertheless you have to think about how Dak’s education at the premier institute of higher learning in the prestigious state of Mississippi affected his decision to turn down a record-breaking contract. When you think about it you can’t really blame Dak. I mean when the average student and faculty looks like this
You can’t really fault Dak for not being able to understand simple math. Just look at Eli Manning, who attended the University of Mississippi, a place of renowned academic prowess. It’s a well known fact that Ole Miss is the flagship of Mississippi. How do I know this? Well the proof is in the pudding. Eli turned a slightly above average career into being the highest paid player in NFL history. Dak Prescott, a slightly above average player (at best) just turned down an offer that might have led to him being the highest paid player in NFL history. Boom. Simple. Dak’s education failed him. All there is to it.
Let me end this by giving you another quote. This one comes from the Choctaw Indians who primarily dominated the southeast.
“Starkville is a Choctaw word for Trailer Park.”
So Schefter tweeted out that the whole report was bullshit and that they never discussed a contract this big. Whatever. Doesn’t change my stance. Dak is still a shitty QB who turned down the first big contract he got offered so doesn’t really matter what he does now.